230+ Humorous Quotes

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It will place on your Desktop 2 000+ changing wise quotes and humorous sayings — more than enough to keep you entertained for a long time.

Funny Quotations

I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early.
* Charles Lamb

I don't want any yes-men around me. I
want everyone to tell me the truth -
even if it costs him his job.
* Samuel Goldwyn

Write something, even if it's
just a suicide note.
* Gore Vidal

Today's payslip has more deductions
than a Sherlock Holmes novel.
* Raymond Cvikota

The last time I was in Spain I got
through six Jeffrey Archer novels.
I must remember to take enough toilet
paper next time.
* Bob Monkhouse

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's
best friend and inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
* Groucho Mark

I adore adverbs; they are the only
qualifications I really much respect.
* Henry James

As long as a woman can look ten years
younger than her own daughter, she is
perfectly satisfied.
* Oscar Wilde

When women kiss it always reminds me
of prize fighter shaking hands.
* HL Mencken

Some of us learn from other peoples
mistakes. The rest of us are the other
* Unknown

Victor Hugo was a madman who
thought he was Vistor Hugo.
* Jean Cocteau

Once you've put one of his books down,
you simply can't pick it up again.
* Mark Twain (about Henry James)

What other culture could have
produced someone like Hemmingway
and not seen the joke?
* Gore Vidal

Critics are to authors what dogs
are to lamp-posts.
* Jeffrey Robinson

An incinerator is a writer's
best friend.
* Thornton Wilder

Someone told me that each equation
I included in the book would halve
the sales
* Stephen Hawking

The covers of this book are too
far apart.
* Ambrose Bierce

The profession of book writing makes
horse racing seem like a solid and
stable business.
* John Steinbeck

I have been commissioned to write an
autobiography and I would be grateful
to any of your readers who could tell
me what I was doing between 1960 and
* Jeffrey Bernard

Dr Donne's verses are like the peace
of God; they pass all understanding.
* James I.

Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
* T. S. Eliot

If you steal from one author, it's
plagiarism; if you steal from many,
it's research.
* Wilson Mizner

Those who can do, those who can't teach.
* George Bernard Shaw

Human beings, who are almost unique in
having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable
for their apparent disinclination to do so.
* Douglas Adams

It is better to be beautiful than
to be good. But... it is better to
be good than to be ugly.
* Oscar Wilde

I am the kind of writer that people
think other people are reading.
* V. S. Naipaul

My favourite poem is the one that starts
'Thirty days hath September' because it
actually tells you something.
* Groucho Marx

A publisher who writes is like a
cow in a milk bar.
* Arthur Koestler

Give a man a free hand and
he'll run it all over you.
* Mae West

No man is an island, but some
of us are pretty long peninsulas.
* Ashleigh Brilliant

If you've got them by the balls
their hearts and minds will follow.
* John Wayne

In Australia, not reading poetry
is the national pastime.
* Phyllis McGinley

The most important thing for poets to
do is to write as little as possible.
* T. S. Eliot

Men are simple things. They can survive
a whole weekend with only three things:
beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the
remote control...
* Diana Jordan

Insanity is hereditary: You can
get it from your children.
* Sam Levinson

Children really brighten up a household.
They never turn the lights off.
* Ralph Bus

No wonder people are so horrible
when they start life as children.
* Kingsley Amis

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue
is to a lady; but a newspaper can always
print a retraction.
* Adlai Stevenson

All bad poetry springs from
genuine feeling.
* Oscar Wilde

Nothing induces me to read a novel
except when I have to make money by
writing about it. I detest them.
* Virginia Woolf

I never read the life of any important
person without discovering that he knew
more and could do more than I could
ever hope to know or do in half a
dozen lifetimes.
* J. B. Priestley

In married life three is company
and two none.
* Oscar Wilde

My advice to you is get married: if you
find a good wife you'll be happy; if not,
you'll become a philosopher.
* Socrates

The General was essentially a man of peace,
except of course in his domestic affairs.
* Oscar Wilde

Love is temporary insanity curable
by marriage.
* Ambrose Bierce

I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury.
* Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in
her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
* Jimmy Durante

Some people ask the secret of our long
marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
* Henry Youngman

If we take matrimony at it's lowest,
we regard it as a sort of friendship
recognised by the police.
* Robert Louis Stevenson

If love is the answer, could
you rephrase the question?
* Lilly Tomlin

Marriage is like putting your hand
into a bag of snakes in the hope of
pulling out an eel.
* Leonardo Di Vinci

The quickest way to a man's
heart is through his chest.
* Roseanne Barr

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name
was Always.
* Rita Rudner

I'm the only man in the world with a
marriage licence made out to whom it
may concern.
* Mickey Rooney

A married man should forget his mistakes;
no use two people remembering the same thing.
* Duane Dewel

The secret of a successful marriage
is not to be at home too much.
* Colin Chapman

In my house I'm the boss, my wife
is just the decision maker.
* Woody Allen

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me and the second
one didn't.
* Patrick Murray

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a
woman old enough to be my wife.
* Tony Curtis

A woman voting for divorce is like
a turkey voting for Christmas.
* Alice Glynn

The appropriate age for marriage
is around eighteen for girls and
thirty-seven for men.
* Aristotle

Women should be obscene
and not heard.
* Groucho Marx

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
* Mark Twain

Whatever women do they must do twice
as well as men to be thought half as
good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
* Charlotte Whitton

I hate housework. You make the beds, you
wash the dishes and six months later you
have to start all over again.
* Joan Rivers

Last week I stated that this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
been visited by her sister and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
* Mark Twain

Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out
of a woman. However, women seldom have
lunch with wild horses.
* Ivern Boyett

Women: Can't live with them, can't
bury them in the back yard without
the neighbours seeing.
* Sean Williamson

If a woman insists on being
called Ms, ask her if it
stands for miserable.
* Russell Bell

Show me a woman who doesn't feel
guilt and I'll show you a man.
* Erica Jong

I only know that people call me a
feminist whenever I express sentiments
that differentiate me from a doormat
or a prostitute.
* Rebecca West

One of the reasons I don't see eye to
eye with Women's Lib is that women have
it all on a plate if only they knew it.
They don't have to be pretty either.
* Charlotte Rampling

You know when you put a stick in
water and it looks bent? That's
why I never take baths.
* Steven Wright

It took me fifteen years to discover that
I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't
give it up because by that time I was too
* Robert Benchley

An author who speaks about their own books
is almost as bad as a mother who speaks
about her own children.
* Benjamin Disraeli

A genius is a man who can rewrap
a new shirt and not have any pins
left over.
* Dino Levi

The baby is fine, the only
problem is that he looks like
Edward G. Robinson.
* Woody Allen

There are few things more satisfying
than seeing your children have teenagers
of their own.
* Doug Larson

I like children - fried.
* W. C. Fields

Everytime a child says, "I don't believe
in fairies", there's a a little fairy
somewhere that falls down dead.
* J. M. Barrie

The trouble with children is that
they're not returnable.
* Quentin Crisp

A child of five could understand
this. Fetch me a child of five.
* Groucho Marx

I Love children, especially when
they cry for then someone takes
them away.
* Nancy Mitford

Human beings are the only creatures
on earth that allow their children
to come back home.
* Bill Cosby

Watching your daughter being collected
by her date feels like handing over a
million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
* Jim Bishop

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father
was so ignorant I could hardly stand to
have the old man around. But when I got
to be twenty-one, I was astonished by
how much he'd learned in seven years.
* Mark Twain

The child was a keen bed-wetter.
* Noel Coward

I have good looking kids. Thank
goodness my wife cheats on me.
* Rodney Dangerfield

My parents used to beat the shit
out of me. And, looking back on it,
I'm glad they did. I'm looking
forward to beating the shit out of
my own kids, for no reason whatsoever.
* Denis Leary

When you're eight years old
nothing is your business.
* Lenny Bruce

In general my children refuse to
eat anything that hasn't danced
in television.
* Erma Bombeck

Never underestimate a child's
ability to get into more trouble.
* Martin Mull

I never met a kid I liked.
* W. C. Fields

I have a stepladder. It's a very
nice stepladder but it's sad that
I never knew my real ladder.
* Craig Charles

Children nowadays are tyrants. They
contradict their parents, gobble
their food and tyrannise their teachers.
* Socrates

Don't bother discussing sex with
small children. They rarely have
anything to add.
* Fran Lebowitz

Having a family is like having
a bowling alley installed in
your head.
* Martin Mull

Childhood is that wonderful time
of life when all you need to do
to lose weight is take a bath.
* Richard Zera

The real menace about dealing with
a five-year-old is that in no time
at all you begin to sound like a
* Jean Kerr

My eleven year old daughter mopes
around the house all day waiting
for her breasts to grow.
* Bill Cosby

I love to go to the playground
and watch the children jumping
up and down. They don't know I'm
firing blanks.
* Emo Philips

Children are the most desirable
opponents at scrabble as they are
both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
* Fran Lebowitz

I went to a general store. They wouldn't
let me buy anything specifically.
* Steven Wright

If you're going to do something tonight
that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
* Henry Youngman

Clothes make the man. Naked people
have little or no influence on society.
* Mark Twain

The most overlooked advantage of owning
a computer is that if they foul up there's
no law against whacking them around a bit.
* Eric Porterfield

When women go wrong,
men go right after them.
* Mae West

She doesn't understand the concept of
Roman numerals. She thought we just
fought in world war eleven.
* Joan Rivers

Happiness is having a large,
loving, caring, close knit
family in another city.
* George Burns

Beware of computer programmers
that carry screwdrivers.
* Leonard Brandwein

UNIX is basically a simple operating system,
but you have to be a genius to understand
the simplicity.
* Dennis Ritchie

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her
favourite food is seconds.
* Joan Rivers

I once bought my kids a set of
batteries for Christmas with a
note on it saying, toys not
* Bernard Manning

Parents are not interested in
justice, they're interested in
peace and quiet.
* Bill Cosby

"Babies don't need a vacation but
I still see them at the beach. I'll
go over to them and say, "What are
you doing here, you've never worked
a day in your life!".
* Steven Wright

I was the kid next door's
imaginary friend.
* Emo Philips

Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated,
means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six
dollars and I'm still hungry.
* Mike Kalin

When I am dead, I hope it may be said:
"His sins were scarlet but his books
were read".
* Hilliare Belloc

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence,
or insanity to anyone, but they've always
worked for me.
* Hunter S. Thompson

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm
for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll
be warm for the rest of his life.
* Terry Pratchett

I drive way too fast to worry
about cholesterol.
* Steven Wright

What would I do if I had only six
months left to live? I'd type faster.
* Isaac Assimov

I always start writing with a clean
piece of paper and a dirty mind.
* Patrick Dennis

They say such nice things about people
at their funerals that it makes me sad
that I'm going to miss mine by just a
few days.
* Garrison Keilor

My advice to you is get married: if
you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
* Socrates

Ice-cream is exquisite. What
a pity it isn't illegal.
* Voltaire

If you think your boss is stupid remember;
you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter.
* Albert Grant

A lot of people become pessimists
from financing optimists.
* C. T. Jones

A verbal contract isn't worth
the paper it's written on.
* Samuel Goldwyn

We didn't actually overspend our budget.
The allocation simply fell short of our
* Keith Davis

Any organisation is like a septic tank.
The really big chunks rise to the top.
* John Imhoff

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't
sleep during office hours.
* Arthur Baer

Anything is good if it's
made of chocolate.
* Jo Brand

The perfect lover is one who
turns into pizza at 4am.
* Charles Pierce

Who bothers to cook TV dinners?
I suck them frozen.
* Woody Allen

Those are my principles. If you
don't like them I have others.
* Groucho Marx

She had lost the art of conversation
but not, unfortunately, the power of
* George Barnard Shaw

The nice thing about being a celebrity
is that if you bore people they think
it's their fault.
* Henry Kissinger

Camping is nature's way of
promoting the motel business.
* Dave Barry

Cockroaches and socialites are the
only things that can stay up all
night and eat anything.
* Herb Caen

The cocktail party is a device for
paying off obligations to people
you don't want to invite for dinner.
* Charles Smith.

Experience is the name every
one gives to their mistakes.
* Oscar Wilde

As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become
prominent enough to have any enemies,
but none of his friends like him.
* Oscar Wilde

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian,
a loyal friend; provided, of course, he
really is dead.
* Voltaire

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will
travel thousands of miles, against prevailing
winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
* Dave Barry

I don't care to belong to a club that
accepts people like me as members.
* Groucho Marx

There are only two things a child
will share willingly; communicable
diseases and its mother's age.
* Benjamin Spock

My unhealthy affection for my second
daughter has waned. Now I despise all
my seven children equally.
* Evelyn Waugh

They told me that Gladstone read Homer
for fun, which I thought served him right.
* Winston Churchill

The Compleat Angler is acknowledged to
be one of the world's books. Only the
trouble is that the world doesn't read
its books, it borrows a detective story
* Stephen Leacock

Ever wonder if illiterate people get
the full effect of alphabet soup?
* John Mendosa

What's another word for thesaurus?
* Steven Wright

This is the sixth book I've written,
which isn't bad for a guy who's only
read two.
* George Burns

Some are born great, some achieve
greatness, and some hire PR officers.
* Daniel J. Boorstin

Only one man ever understood me,
and he didn't understand me.
* G. W. Hegel

To write a diary every day is like
returning to one's own vomit.
* Enoch Powell

Only one thing is impossible for God:
To find any sense in any copyright law
on the planet.
* Mark Twain

A positive attitude will not solve all
your problems, but it will annoy enough
people to make it worth the effort.
* Herm Albright

To be positive is to be mistaken
at the top of one's voice.
* Ambrose Bierce

There is only one thing in life worse
than being talked about, and that is
not being talked about.
* Oscar Wilde

Last week I stated that this woman was
the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
* Mark Twain

I am free of all prejudices.
I hate everyone equally.
* W. C. Fields

There are two things in life
for which we are never truly
prepared: Twins.
* Josh Billings

I've got the brain of a four
year old. I'll bet he was glad
to be rid of it.
* Groucho Marx

I will not eat oysters. I want
my food dead. Not sick, not
wounded, dead.
* Woody Allen

If toast always lands butter-side down,
and cats always land on their feet, what
happens if you strap toast on the back
of a cat and drop it?
* Steven Wright

We live in an age when pizza gets
to your home before the police.
* Jeff Marder

I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll be glad to make an exception.
* Groucho Marx

Martyrdom: The only way a man can
become famous without ability.
* George Bernard Shaw

The statistics on sanity are that one out
of every four Americans are suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends. If they're okay, then
it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown

My advice to you is get married: if you find
a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll
become a philosopher.
* Socrates

The only imaginative fiction being
written today is income tax returns.
* Herman Wouk

It's not a good idea to put your wife
into a novel; not your latest wife anyway.
* Norman Mailer

My computer dating bureau came up
with a perfect gentleman. Still,
I've got another three goes.
* Sally Poplin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
* Rodney Dangerfield

USA Today has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make
up 75 percent of the population.
* David Letterman

In ancient times they had no statistics
so they had to fall back on lies.
* Stephen Leacock

This is not a novel to be tossed aside
lightly. It should be thrown with great
* Dorothy Parker

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates
has a longer half-life than radioactive
* Wes Smith

Biologically speaking, if something
bites you it's more likely to be female.
* Desmond Morris

When I die I'm going to leave
my body to science fiction.
* Steven Wright

Inanimate objects can be classified
scientifically into three major categories;
those that don't work, those that break
down and those that get lost.
* Russell Baker

Descended from the apes? Let us hope
that it is not true. But if it is,
let us pray that it may not become
generally known.
* F. A. Montagu

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
* Mark Twain

I am an expert of electricity. My father
occupied the chair of applied electricity
at the state prison.
* W. C. Fields

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record
my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
* Albert Einstein

Everything that can be invented
has been invented.
* Charles Duell

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by
scientists panicked by the thought that
the public were beginning to understand
the old ones.
* Mike Barfield

The secret of creativity is knowing
how to hide your sources.
* Albert Einstein

Computers are useless. They
can only give you answers.
* Pablo Picasso

Computer dating is fine,
if you're a computer.
* Rita May Brown

All sorts of computer errors are now
turning up. You'd be surprised to know
the number of doctors who claim they
are treating pregnant men.
* Isaac Asimov

A winkle is just a bogey with
a crash helmet on.
* Mick Miller

I went to a restaurant that serves
"breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
* Steven Wright

A gourmet who thinks of calories is
like a tart who looks at her watch.
* James Beard

She looked as if she'd been poured
into her clothes and had forgotten
to say when.
* P. G. Wodehouse

Women are nothing but machines
for producing children.
* Napolean Bonaparte

An archaeologist is best husband a
woman can have: the older she gets,
the more interested he is in her.
* Agatha Christie

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
* Jilly Cooper

Computers make it easier to do a lot of
things, but most of the things they make
it easier to do don't need to be done.
* Andy Rooney

Computer Science is no more about computers
than astronomy is about telescopes.
* E. W. Dijkstra

The great thing about a computer notebook
is that no matter how much you stuff into
it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
* Bill Gates

Not even computers will replace committees,
because committees buy computers.
* Unknown

I do not fear computers. I fear
the lack of them.
* Isaac Asimov

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems,
except the things in the world that just don't
add up.
* James Magary

In all large corporations, there is a
pervasive fear that someone, somewhere
is having fun with a computer on company
time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
* John C. Dvorak

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded
if you tied them the usual way. This happens
to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining.
* Jeff Raskin

If computers get too powerful, we can organize
them into a committee - that will do them in.
* Bradley's Bromide

The most likely way for the world to be
destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're
computer professionals. We cause accidents.
* Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human - and to blame
it on a computer is even more so.
* Robert Orben

If the automobile had followed the same
development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get
a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside.
* Robert X. Cringely

If you put tomfoolery into a computer,
nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery.
But this tomfoolery, having passed through
a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled
and no-one dares criticize it.
* Pierre Gallois

My doctor gave me six months to live, but
when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six
months more.
* Walter Matthau

Fiction writing is great. You can
make up almost anything.
* Ivana Trump

My reputation grows with every failure.
* George Bernard Shaw

The difference between fiction and
reality is that fiction has to make
* Tom Clancy

I understand the importance of
bondage between parent and child.
* Dan Quayle

Until I was thirteen I thought
my name was "Shutup".
* Joe Namath

To err is human, but to really foul
things up you need a computer.
* Paul Ehrlich

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one
of whom never remembers birthdays and the
other who never forgets them.
* Ogden Nash

The perfect computer has been developed.
You just feed in your problems and they
never come out again.
* Al Goodman

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist
should have his head examined.
* Samuel Goldwyn

No-one can feel as helpless as
the owner of a sick goldfish.
* Kin Hubbard

First the doctor told me the good
news: I was going to have a disease
named after me.
* Steve Martin

A criminal is a person with predatory
instincts who has not sufficient capital
to form a corporation.
* Howard Scott

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
* Douglas Adams

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they
had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they
produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the
Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love;
they had five hundred years of democracy and peace
and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
* Orson Welles

Only one thing is impossible for God:
To find any sense in any copyright
law on the planet.
* Mark Twain

The definition of a consultant: Someone
who borrows, your watch, tells you the time
and then charges you for the privilege.
* Unknown

In the business world an executive knows
something about everything, a technician
knows everything about something and the
switchboard operator knows everything.
* Harold Coffin

The first rule of business is: Do
other men for they would do you.
* Charles Dickens

Few great men would have
got past personnel.
* Paul Goodman

When I asked my accountant if anything
could get me out of this mess I am in
now he thought for a long time and said,
"Yes, death would help".
* Robert Morley

If advertisers spent the same amount of
money on improving their products as they
do on advertising then they wouldn't have
to advertise them.
* Will Rogers

To make a long story short, there's
nothing like having a boss walk in.
* Doris Lilly

If it weren't for electricity we'd all
be watching television by candlelight.
* George Gobol


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